ANOTHER FORK IN THE ROAD

It has been a long time since I've updated on this blog and I'm sure many of you have noticed my absence. On September 5th I officially made it to Oxford, England and that's when everything changed.

As soon as we arrived I no longer felt excited, no longer felt hopeful or that sense of adventure that had so long been building inside of me. For a while, I tried to ignore it, but it did not take long to surface. I explored my emotions for a few days, wondering why I was feeling so down and chalked it up to nerves, but as the days went on I knew that wasn't the case. There were many days spent trying to fall in love with the city and many nights spent crying over the disappointment of Oxford not being what I thought it would be, but in the end I knew a decision had to be made. Unfortunately, it was another decision I had to make completely on my own.

I wavered back and forth, some days thinking I would return home and others thinking I would stick it out for at least a semester. Thankfully, a very wonderful friend suggested I go check out my school campus and my dorm room in hopes that it would help me come to a conclusion. Well, it did. After walking well outside the city center and coming to a not so wonderful looking campus, I was slowly wanting to return to St. Thomas. It wasn't until a taxi driver took us to my dorm that I was truly scared. In a locked gate, across from a stone wall, covered in barbed wire, was my residence. Located in a horrible neighborhood, I was standing in front of a building that was costing me more than I could ever afford.

That night, I decided to come home.

Over the past week I have had people tell me their opinions, some supportive and others quite the opposite, but regardless I know that this is my decision. I made the decision to move here and once again I am deciding to come home. I know that now, spending so much money and not loving this city, I would be miserable. Many have asked whether I want to try a semester, but if I hate it I have spent so much money and gotten no farther in school. There are so many options and in my mind all I want is to be happy.

Then comes the idea of regret. I may get home and wish I was in England, but I know in my heart that now is not the right time. This decision, by no means, has closed the door to me living over here, I have simply walked away for the time being. 

Returning home is quite scary for me. I realize there will be people ready to give hugs, comforting words and the support I need to move on. Others will believe I have done this for all the wrong reasons and hold anger or disappointment in their hearts. While I cannot control what other people say or think, what I can control is how I feel and today it is content. I feel at ease about my decision and if I begin to regret leaving England, I know it is only a few years until I can return. That is the wonderful thing about time, it keeps going on. 

So this is the road I have chosen. I believe the last eighteen months have been a learning experience with lessons that I will take with me as I move on in the future. I am a happier, more confident girl who is ready to take on more adventure and let life take me where it may. At the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself and be happy with who I see. I have no one else to please, but me.

As far as the future goes? I will be returning home to continue my degree at St. Thomas. Between my Creative Writing major there, taking Marketing classes at UNB and Social Media courses online through UBC, I will graduate (hopefully!) in July 2015. From there, the world is mine! I would love to obtain an internship in either England, New York or California and let life take its course. This dream of England has been put on hold, but I can assure you all it is far from over.

xo: kate